I can still feel the soft velvet of your paw, the tickle of whiskers,
that
warm rasp of tongue as you decided I needed a bath. I miss the gentle
rumble of your purr, the comfort of snuggle times, the silkiness
of your
fur. I know you've come back on occasion; I can feel you. Are you
waiting
for someone? Or have you come back to let me know everyone's okay?
Once in a while, I find a picture of you by accident, and then remember
how you hated a bath, that you loved tomato paste, and catnip was
your
idea of heaven. Sometimes, I forget you're not here and call another
cat
by your name. They look at me, astounded, that I could make such
a
mistake. I feel the tears start, and I try to tell myself that you're
okay.
Yes, I say, there are warm breezes, sunshine, butterflies, and green
grass where you are. The others are there with you, so you're not
completely alone, wandering and wondering. Is Megan okay? You
remember that she was blind. And Patches and Phaedra...they were
both
deaf. Take care of Topaz, she's always been so frightened...she
never
knew humans could be kind. Amerber, my little earth mother...have
they
given you kittens to nurture and love? I'm sure Snow is bossing
everyone
around. He did here, why stop now? Annabel Lee, you know in your
soul we
didn't abandon you. We had no choice, you could have infected the
kittens
and they would have died. Dear beloved Annabel, my heart still hurts
when I say your name. I can't stop the tears when I think of you.
I can
steel feel your coat, soft as bunny fur, under my fingers. Your
sister
Emily is so very much like you, it's painful to look at her. Caesar,
my very
first cat....dearly loved and missed so much. G.G. - you fought
so hard to
live for the short time you blessed us. I know God holds you in
his hand
and has a special place for such a brave little cat. Ragamuffin...I
knew you
briefly, but those sad, golden eyes spoke eloquently of your pain.
I'm
sorry you didn't find me sooner, maybe I could have saved you. And
you,
Mouse, are you still stealing dog food and hiding it? Black Cat,
Gnu and
Smoke, separated for a while in life, but no longer. I tried to
keep you
together, but Smoke had learned not to trust. I hope you've finally
found
peace and warmth, Bandit. I wanted to hold you and let you know
it was
okay to come in from the cold. You didn't give me time. Oliver misses
you
Smudge. He's so big and beautiful. You wouldn't recognize him now;
the
constantly hungry little guy has grown into a hungry big guy. Moon,
I know
you're with your mother Mattie, and your sister Annabel Lee. I'm
sorry
you had to find them so soon. We were just getting to be friends.
Katie, I
hope you're running through the water you so dearly loved to play
in here.
How you loved being held in the shower! Coco, my loyal and protective
wolf friend. I feel privileged to have shared my live and my home
with
you. Sometimes, God grants our secret wishes in small ways, and
He gave
me you. Ah, Yuri. You willingly shared Charlie with me, knowing
I wouldn't
hurt him or you. You offered me your devotion and love. How could
I not
accept so precious a gift?
I know some of you will look and not see your names mentioned here.
Have I forgotten so quickly? Don't I love you as much as those whose
names are written? My precious fur angels! How could you think I
don't
love you? If I could, I would reverse time, so we could once again
share
the happiness and love. Your faces are as clear to me as if it were
yesterday and you were here, asking for dinner and demanding to
be
petted. I can barely see through my tears to write this. All of
you
brought light, life and joy to me. I cherish the memories of your
love and
trust. We've planted flowers and trees in honor of your memories.
Every
spring and summer, the sadness is softened by the beauty that blooms.
As I look out my windows, I am reminded of each and every one of
you.
My dear little friends, know that I keep you in my heart. As long
as I
remember your names, you will never be forgotten, or replaced. One
day,
we will all be together in the sunshine, warm breezes, and green
meadows. Until that time, you are missed....and loved....always
loved.
Linda Gillian