Insight: The Chow Chow

You know you've waited too long to find a mate when.....

       -- You overhear someone mention her husband's tie, and you ask how long it was, and you both stand there with blank expressions

        --you think stripping is something you do to your terrier

        --you meet a guy named Bob and instantly visualize purple and  gold rosettes [or red, white and blue if you're in Canada]

         --when you talk with your friends about sex, you're discussing progesterone testing, vaginal cytology, and artificial insemination

         --you think nothing about loudly discussing studs and
bitches in a fancy restaurant

         --you start seriously thinking about offering your dog at stud just so SOMEONE in the house is getting some action

          --the first thing you notice about a guy is what breed of dog he has

         --your biggest turn-off is a guy with an obnoxious untrained dog

         --you have ever ruled out a guy as a prospective date based on the breed of dog he owns

        --you dismiss all the guys your mother introduces you to as "not breeding quality"

         --you never could stick to a diet to impress a guy, but you can do it to cut 2 seconds from your time on the agility course

         --your only nice jewelry features either dogs, dumbells, or rosettes

        --you think it really would be easier if you just had yourself spayed

        --you have a video on how to artificially inseminate your dog  but last watched a dirty movie in junior high school

          --when you talk about "scoring" you mean how you did at last weekend's obedience trial

        --you wonder if you did find a guy, if he would mind sleeping in the expensive dog bed that your dog has never used because he prefers to sleep with you

         --your dog has more letters after his name than the last ten guys you've dated, and actually completed obedience school

         --you start using operant conditioning techniques to get what you want from your boyfriend, and you won't let him read your copy of "Don't Shoot The Dog"

         --you think that maybe your current guy has potential if you use the proper combination of positive reinforcement and the occasional well timed ear pinch

         --you "people watch" at the mall by making mental lists of the
 conformational faults each bypasser has to contribute to the gene pool

         --you think if you ever did marry and have children that you  wouldn't have to buy a playpen because you already have an extra x-pen

         --you give all of your married friends child rearing advice based on our extensive background in dog training

         --your mother's worst fear is that you'll have a child and make it wear a pinch collar

         --your mother's second worst fear is you'll get married and your dog will be in the wedding party

         --you actually have friends whose dogs HAVE been part of the  wedding party

          --when your cousin tells you how much her wedding costs you  think how many show quality puppies that could buy you

          --you can imagine using a shock collar on your best friend's children, but would never dream of putting one on your dog

         --all of your friends always include your dog in any invitation  they issue to you.  Of course, you reciprocate because you only have doggy friends left- the others have stopped inviting you places because you  insist on bringing the dog!

         --Guests on Jerry Springer make you think about starting a  campaign for "early childhood spay/neuter"

         --when you read the personal ads you skip past the vital  statistics and rule out any that don't say "animal lover"

         --your dog has a gold crown on his fractured tooth (you were  afraid if you had it pulled he'd have a sloppy dumbell pickup) but you haven't  been to the dentist in three years

         --you know your dog's cholesterol but not your own

         --your idea of a great practical joke is seeing if anyone  notices  if you seed Charlie Bears in the bag of oyster crackers

         --when you lament to your friends about chronic yeast infections, they don't know you're talking about your dogs ears

         --you haven't had an HIV test but you regularly brucella test  your dog before each breeding

         --you spent seven years to get your DVM and charge $40 for a  semen collection and evaluation, only to discover a legal hooker in Las Vegas  with no formal schooling gets $100 and only does the first part

         --your blind date last night had more offspring by more  different bitches than the top sire in your breed last year.

         --you worry you'll embarrass yourself in public by "flagging"  when you see a cute guy

 -       -you last had a professional portrait done for your high school graduation but you just spent 50% of your dog's purchase price having  his done by the best canine photographer in the country

         --you don't have any hair spray and have to use Crown Royal  Bodifier from your grooming bag

        --you and your dog use the same kind of hairbrush,

         --you spend 8 hours grooming your dog for a show the day before,  and  1.25 minutes ponytailing your hair the morning of.

         --you think that people with bad bites shouldn't be allowed to  breed

         --your mother is ecstatic to see you browsing the aisle with the  hair coloring, after hounding you for three year to try highlighting -  only to be disappointed when she finds you are looking for the exact right  shade  of black to "touch up" your rusty tricolor

         --when someone mentions single bars, you wonder if they are  talking about utility or agility jumps

         --when you go "clubbing", you have your choice of the all breed  club, the specialty club, the training club, or the parent club

         --you once made earrings out of old rabies tags, and all your  friends wanted a pair

         --your non-doggy friends can't understand why you're so excited about your new CD.

         --the only other group of people who have as much familiarity  with DNA testing as your doggy friends is the OJ jury