A Poem by Pinot

     I'm told that my conduct is draining
     Despite the vast sums gone to training.
     But to heel or to sit?
     For a dog of my wit?
     To me--poetry's more entertaining.

     So I spend my days dreaming up verses,
     In spite of occasional curses
     From my owner, who claims,
     That I'm hardly house-trained
     Causing headaches she so often nurses.

     I say it's simply not fair
     To measure, contrast or compare
     Myself to the kitty,
     Who though properly pretty,
     Hasn't a tenth of my flair.

     In the end I'm sure you'll agree,
     That a dog of such genius as me,
     Must nurture defiance,
     Not boring compliance,
     To sustain creativity.

Jen

"THE JUDGES STANDARD"

GENERAL APPEARANCE - The first impression of a good judge should be that of a tough-minded but fair, alert and gentle specimen. Muscular
fitness and nimbleness are desirable but not mandatory as soft living seems
unavoidable in the breed.
The judge should be stamped with a look of nobility and justice - difficult to define, but always unmistakable after the show. The good judge has a distinct personality marked by a direct and fearless - but not hostile - expression of self confidence and that certain aloofness which does not lend itself to immediate and indiscriminate friendships... or at least does not admit to such friendships until later back at the motel.

Secondary sex characteristics should be strongly marked least, when the judge hands you a ribbon, you say "Thank you , sir" to a lady or vice-versa. The question of monorchids or cryptorchids should be left to your florist.

COAT- In cold climates the judge should be equipped with a
double coat. Underwear may vary with the season. At no time, however, may a judge shed in the ring.

PROPORTION - The most desirable proportions for a female judge are
38-23-36; however you may settle for a 23-23-23 or, as I have at times
22-35-48. The shape of a male judge is less important - but great bulk
and commanding appearance is greatly preferred.

PIGMENT - Let's not get into this again. ALL colours are permissible! I
have not personally seen a blue judge, but there is always a first time.

SIZE - The judge should be neither too tall nor too short. As a rule of
thumb, if he must sink to his knees to pat the dog, he is probably too tall. On the other hand, if he must jump into the air to test testicles, he is probably too short. Measurements should be taken from the top of the head, with the hair parted or pushed down so that it will show only the actual height of the judge's frame or structure.
A judge of desirable sex and proper flesh should average between 70 and
340 lbs, depending primarily upon sex and how fat he or she is.

GAIT - Judges who tend to motivate on all fours should be
avoided, as should those who stagger and fall down a lot. Forward motion
should be achieved by placing one foot in front of the other... hopping is
also permitted and, in fact, often makes for better showmanship.

STANCE - While viewing the dogs, the judge should stand in the
centre of the ring, feet spread as at "parade rest", the right hand held
firmly in the left armpit with the left crossing over under the right
armpit... the chin must be tucked solidly into the chest, eyes squinting.
Once the judge has assumed this position, the steward should count
the number of times the class circles. If that count should exceed 20, he
might then unobtrusively poke the judge in the ribs. Older, more
experienced judges have been known to doze off in this position while younger specimens, particularly members of the party-going set, might be
still so grassed from the pre-show festivities that they have passed
out.

MINOR FAULTS - Muteness: It is preferred if a judge can speak in audible
tones, but his vocabulary may be limited to phrases such as "Loose
leads!", "Walk them!", "One more time around" and the number one
to three must be heard. If this is impossible, a set of flash cards should
be provided.

Deafness is no fault in a judge, in fact slightly impaired hearing faculties are a distinct advantage as the judge cannot hear the rude comments from the ringside and will be able to literally turn a deaf ear to whispered propositions, suggestions, etc., from the handlers.

BLINDNESS - It is an advantage if the judge has full use of both eyes,
however, some of best-known specimens manage to get by without any
apparent eyesight at all and, as this does not seem to hinder their careers in the least, perhaps sight requirements are due to be revised and excluded from the standard.

DISQUALIFYING FAULTS - Judges who whoop, holler and point, or who laugh hysterically at an exhibitor entering the ring with a particularly poor
specimen should be disqualified. Likewise, a judge who delays proceedings while handlers make cheques out to him in the ring is not permitted to participate further. Any judge who attacks a handler in the ring is warned three times in writing after which he must be dismissed.

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