Basset bath day - who needs a form?

Step one...
prepare bathroom for bassets.  Remove soap, shampoo, etc from side of
tub.  replace with basset shampoo (the kind that is more expensive than
the stuff you use, because basset has allergies) Gather a dozen towels for the onslaught.
Step two
Call bassets.  No answer.  crawl under dining room table and pull on collar of basset.  Dog puts on brakes, the kind with the little suction cups on her toes.  Continue to pull.  Dog eventually comes out from under table, sliding nicely across the hardwood floor in a sitting position (this can be substituted for mopping hardwood floors, as the oil from the bassets skin/coat will rub off).  Put first dog in bathroom.
Repeat step two with second basset.
Open door, first basset escapes while putting second dog in bathroom.
Repeat step two until all three of you are behind closed door in bathroom.
This step can usually be accomplished in a little less than an hour.
Step three:
Hoist front end of largest basset to edge of tub. When paws are on the
side of the tub, lift back end so as to encourage dog to get into to tub.
(this will substitute nicely for any weight lifting and toning exercises that you would ordinarily do at the gym.  This works well, since the basset bathing exercise drains energy, and is much more aerobic than you would get just walking anyhow).  When first dog is in tub, repeat with second dog.  Pray that first dog will stay put.  It is important to leave the dog's collar on until after the dogs are both safely in tub.  Remove collars.
Step  four.
Using hand held shower attachment, rinse both dogs thoroughly.  This is
best accomplished wearing rain gear or clothes you do not care about.
Plan on having one or both dogs shake during pre-wash cycle.
Step five
Lather dog with expensive shampoo.  Retrieve shampoo bottle from bottom
of tub on at least three occasions, as the dogs will somehow manage to
knock it over.  Repeat with second dog.  Remember to pay special attention to armpits amd ears.  Dog will resist these areas.
Step six.
Rinse dog.  This is a tricky step if you have two dogs in tub at the same
time.  One dog will repeated pull over, so as to resoap the dog you are
attempting to rinse.  Rinse well, or be prepared for hot spots later, as the delicate basset skin is sensitive to chemicals (but not dirt).)
Allow first dog to jump out of tub.  You will not have to work hard at this, as the dog is usually really ready to leave. While being showered by the first dog, who is doing his/her best to "blow dry" themselves, finish rinsing second dog.  Be careful not to slip, as the bathroom floor now has almost as much water on it as the tub.
Step seven
Gather already damp towels and attempt to dry the first dog.  When you are just getting stated, second dog will jump out of tub between towel and first dog.  When fully in the middle of drying attempt, second dog will shake violently, soaking, you, the towel and first dog.  When all towels are soaked, let dogs out of bathroom.  Dogs will race at top speed through the house to help hasten the drying process.
Step eight...
Cleaning the bathroom after the exercise...(if not already exhausted by the bathing experience).  If into knitting, there is usually a fair amount of hair that could be spun into yarn (Martha Stewart look out).
All eight steps can usually be accomplished in a two to three hour time frame.   Upon completion of the bathing exercise, dogs will race to the door to be let out.  This is especially true if it has been raining and the yard is muddy.  It will be the only time your fair-weather bassets want to go out in the rain.
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