First time at a dog show, I'll tell you quite plain,
                                    I'll never, no never, go near one again.
                             The breeder said 'show him' when I bought the dog,
                              I showed him alright - the whole place was agog.

                                           They gave me a number.
                                              They gave me a pin.
                                    But I couldn't bear to stick the thing in.
                              So I rushed to a shop and bought some clear glue
                                  And stuck the card on his back in the loo.

                               We arrived at the ringside to find we were first
                                In the dog pup class (this part was the worst).
                                We marched in together as fast as was able -
                               Arrived at the judge, who said 'up on the table'.

                              This really suprised me, my skirt was quite tight.
                              And I just couldn't make it, try as hard as I might.
                            The judge looked quite worried, he said 'listen here -
                                 Put your dog on the table, not you my dear!'

                                  By now I was trembling, I felt such a fool.
                                 But I said to myself 'play it cool, play it cool'.
                             'How old?' said the judge, and I heard it quite clear.
                               Well really! I thought and said 'thirty next year!'

                              The steward, poor fellow, threw some kind of fit.
                              He spluttered, he coughed, and his eyes ran a bit.
                               'I'd have that cough seen to' I said to him when
                                 He'd finally stopped.... then he started again.

                               'Once round the ring, dear, as quick as you can'
                                  Said the judge, so I did, I just ran and ran.
                                  But when I arrived (out of breath I admit),
                              The judge said 'Your dog, dear' - I felt such a twit!

                                  Off round once again, I kept my head bent.
                        Oh the shame, my pup crouched, he just went and he went!
                                The lady came running with bucket and spade.
                                 With manure so pricey, had she got it made!
                              We came back to the judge who said with a frown
                          'Stand your dog' . I said 'Please sir, he's not laying down'

                            'You can take the first prize stand' he said - I said 'Ta!'
                                 What a job I had getting the stand in the car!

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
- don't pee on the tree
- don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
- mind your tail when you are near the tree
- if there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open
- don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny looking hole in the wall to the tree

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
- not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
- don't eat off the buffet table
- beg for goodies subtly
- be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
- don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
- observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)
- respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
- tolerate children >
- turn on your charm big time

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night.
DO NOT BITE HIM!!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Author Unknown