Preparation for a new New pup

1) (Women) To prepare for the pup, put on an old tracksuit with mud smeared down both legs or a pair of laddered tights under a mud smeared skirt.

2) (Men) To prepare for the pup, go to the local pet supply store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the owner to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

3) Before you finally go ahead and have get your pup, find a couple who are already puppy parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their puppies to run riot, chew the furniture etc. Suggest ways in which they might improve their pup's sleeping training, eating manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it--it's the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

4) To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5pm till 10pm carrying a bag of jelly (Jell-O) weighing approximately 20 pounds. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12am and walk around the living room again with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't go back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark till 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for a year. Look cheerful.

5) Can you stand the mess pups make? To find out, smear puppy cereal onto the sofa and cottage cheese onto the curtains. Hide a chicken wing behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean floors. There, how does that look?

6) Grooming pups is not as easy as it seems. First try bathing and grooming a feral cat or some other wild animal. Time allowed for this: all morning.

7) Take a newspaper and cut it into tiny pieces and strew it all over your loungeroom floor. Take a rasp and roughen all your chair and table legs.

8) Forget the sedan and buy the minivan. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Dogmoblies don't look like that. Buy some doggy treats and put them in the glove compartment. Leave them there. Take some dog biscuits and hit them with a hammer to make a bag full of crumbs. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake over the upholstery of the car. There! Perfect!

9) Get ready to go out. Walk around the garden for half an hour practicing the words "Go Potty, there's a good dog". Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every blade of grass, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand until all of the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a puppy for a walk.

10) Spill everything from your refrigerator onto the kitchen floor. Walk through it several times, taking care to track your shoes onto the living room rug, especially if it is a light colour. Pour little puddles of fruit juice or some other liquid which stains onto your rugs.

There now you are ready for your new puppy - or are you?

Contributed by Leanne Warner

DO YOU KNOW ME?
Why do you look at me in that forlorn way?
Are you cold and hungry in this winter's day?
Why do you gaze with tears in you clear green eyes,
They are so translucent under the matching skies.

You look so familiar, like someone I know,
But sadly, last year, he had to go.
He burrowed deep into my heart,
Made me cry when we had to part.

He invaded my home, when he had no right,
Yet I had to give in to those eyes so bright.
They were like yours, a pearly green,
With the deepest aura that I've seen.

He did things wrong but I didn't mind,
The will to throw him out, I couldn't find,
He wasn't perfect, and I liked him for that,
And I tried to correct him as we sat.

But he was so stubborn, so determined and willed,
I dearly missed his encouragement when he was killed.
Are you his spirit, here to haunt me again?
And die once more and cause me pain?

Well if him you cannot be,
Why do you look as if you know me?
And the night we met, he too, was ragged and thin,
Miserable and abused near the garbage bin.

If you think I would adopt and care for you,
And then rear you up faithful and true,
Then only to lose another life once again,
You're right so don't just stand there, come on in!
Author Unknown

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